Alone in the crowd

    One of my least favorite things to do is be in a room full of people, even if they're all people I know. Crowded rooms just aren't my thing. I'm an introvert, so I would be over it quickly if I enjoyed it at all. But I don't enjoy it. I can be in a room with 50 people that I know and I will still feel completely alone. Nobody makes the effort to try to talk to me, but neither do I.

    I'm a wallflower, but I don't want to be. That voice that lives inside, the one that screams so loud everything else gets drowned out, tells me that nobody wants to talk to me so I just stay where I'm at and remain silent. It also tells me that, even though someone is engaging me in conversation, they really don't want to and they're looking for a way out of it as quickly as possible. The difficulty that I have hearing the positive voices in my head is immeasurable.

    Constantly fighting with my own brain to let me be happy is exhausting, and it's a fight that I rarely win. It is very difficult for me to feel accepted anywhere, be it family, friends, work, my brain doesn't let me feel like I fit in anywhere, so I stick to the walls and stay quiet. I constantly feel as though I'm being judged by those around me. What I recognize now, and never in the moment, is that my feelings of inadequacy often (always) show through making me appear unapproachable most of the time.

    This vicious cycle feeds right back into how I'm feeling. Never good enough, not welcome here, burdensome. Recognizing the real issue is near impossible most of the time, but I have to try. I have to force myself to not give in to the fear. I have to be the one to put in the effort. Making the effort to step off the wall and engage with those around me is something that I'm going to have to force myself to do in those situations.