Loss

    This is a tough one for me. I don't handle loss well at all. I'm usually a complete train wreck when someone I'm close to dies. I think of all the opportunities I missed and all the memories that we won't get to make.

    I lost my father-in-law to pancreatic cancer recently and it was one of the hardest things I've ever dealt with. Cancer has stolen so many people from me it's insane. My sister, my grandmother, my aunt, and now my father-in-law. It's become to the point that when I hear the word 'cancer' I instantly lose control of my thoughts.

    My FIL was particularly difficult as we had a vacation planned with him for this year, and the thought that we won't get to enjoy it with him hasn't left my mind since he passed. The fun that we would have had with him is something that I was really looking forward to. As far as I know, the trip is still going to happen, but I'm not sure how much I'll be able to enjoy it without him there.

    Loss doesn't have to be death. I have lost many people for other reasons. One thing that I consider loss that some might not is when someone I'm close to moves so far away the only way to see them is on video chat or lots of travel time. The inability to be in someone's physical presence is a loss to me. I've had friendships that drifted apart, this is loss to me.

    Every time something like this happens, my depression tells me that I could have done more, I could have spent more time with them, that it's my fault that I didn't make it happen. I know this isn't even close to the truth, but these are thoughts that plague me every time something like this happens, without fail.

    Loss doesn't even have to be something that's already happened. I can't help but see how much my parents are aging and how their bodies are starting to fail them. And all this makes me think about is how little time I really have left with them. I want to spend every moment I can with them, but that's not realistic. I have to work and I have to finish school. But I think about the fact that soon, they won't be here anymore, and it kills me, but I can't stop thinking about it.

    This is something that is going to be an ongoing struggle for me, and it's something that I hope eventually to handle better.