I'm (not) fine, how are you?

    We're all guilty of it. We see a friend or acquaintance (or sometimes even a family member), whether planned or not, and they ask how we're doing. Most of us, without even thinking about it, reply with, "I'm fine" or "I'm good" and return the greeting. How often is that actually the case though? I know for me, it's almost never. I'm rarely having what would be considered an 'average' good day. A good day for me is one where I don't feel like I'm a burden and a failure.

    Those days are few and far between. Logically, I know I'm not the only person who feels this, but when I'm at a low, that's what it feels like to me. But I'll talk more about that later. Right now, I want to talk about feelings. No, not the mushy gushy feelings that you're probably imagining, the deep, real, raw feelings that stay hidden until we say they can come out.

    The picture I chose for this post is a pretty accurate representation of the thoughts that run through my head on a daily basis. I struggle daily with self-worth and feeling useless. At least once a day, I think about the burden that I am to my family and how I am keeping them from what they really want in life. I know this is one of the lies that I tell myself, but it feels so real to me. Even now, these feelings are dominating my thought processes.

    I know that part of the issue is that I haven't told anyone in my life about these feelings. The reason for this stems from one emotion, fear. I have an INSANE fear of judgment and rejection, especially from close friends and family. For me to tell them about this would be to open myself up to whatever ridicule or outright rejection they would respond with. There is the chance that they would respond with compassion and love, but I don't know that I'm willing to take that risk.

    Admitting these things isn't easy for me, even to complete strangers. The feeling of complete vulnerability makes my heart race. I don't like it, but that discomfort is part of getting to a better place. Opening the wound that's infected and festering inside of you so it can be cleaned out and healed is exactly what needs to happen.