Day 1 (Content warning: Contains themes of suicide)

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     My silence is deafening. This war that's been going on in my mind for years now has remained my sole burden to carry. Why? Because to share it with those around me is to add to their burdens. The guilt that comes with that would be unbearable.

    So I choose to keep it inside. Until now. Today, day 1, I reached a breaking point. Today, I almost went through with the single most selfish action anyone could ever commit...It's hard to actually even type the words...Today...I almost ended my life. I had the prescription bottle opened and something to wash it all down with. I even wrote my note.

    I'm not telling you this because I want your attention or your pity. I'm writing this because I know I'm not the only one who has ever felt this way. I'm writing this for the person sitting there feeling the same way I felt (and still feel) today. I'm glad I didn't do it, even though I felt like every ounce of my being wanted me to.

    But I started thinking about what I would miss out on. I'm married, and I don't have any kids yet, but I want them. Suicide would prevent my wonderful children from even being born. Not just that, I would be stealing the future from my wife. I can't even imagine how she would've felt, especially since she would've been the one to find me. Or my parents, who she would have to tell that their only son is dead.

    These things all ran through my head as I held the pill bottle to my mouth, fully prepared to empty it and just wait. But I didn't do it.

    I titled this post Day 1. Not because this is the first day that I've felt like this, but because this is the first day of me sharing how it affects me. The first day of me pulling it out of the darkness and letting everyone see it so maybe they can relate. Writing about this kind of thing is therapeutic, so that's what I'm going to do, I'm going to write about it.


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